LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND
by SpanishLily
Summary: CANON, Series 4. After taking her dad's advice, Emily goes back to Naomi's house to try to work things out but things only seem to take a turn for the worse. This is how things worked out.


Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me and neither does some of the dialogue used here. This story is written for the mere purpose of entertaining and nothing more.

Author's note: I wrote this short fic to make up for not updating my other one. I actually lost all my writings when my laptop completely died so now I must start all over again and it's a bit disconcerting. Hope you like this one and you take it as a token of my promise to finish the other fic...and more to come in the future.

* * *

**LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND...**

"I fucking hate you so much"

That was all I could tell her as she watched me start to pack everything back into the small suitcase I had just unpacked only days before. I really, truly hated her. I hated what she had done and I hated how she had destroyed our life so quickly, without regards to all that we had built together in the past few months.

"I know you do…I know you hate me now but you also love me…and I love you too Emily…I love you so much…"

Before she could say anything else I slapped her and just walked away because I just couldn't face her any longer. How dare she say those words when they were all lies. How could she say she loved me and so easily just cheat on me as if what we had was nothing more than just an experiment. Nothing more than just a fling.

"Wait…Emily…please don't go…"

She ran right behind me as I pulled on the doorknob of her mother's house and started to open the door. I wanted to take off…that's all I knew. Even without really knowing where I was actually going to go.

"I can't stay here…I can't even look at you right now…I have no business being here…"

She didn't say much else to me…she knew I was right. I didn't even know why I had come back. I should've just sent out for my things so I never had to see her again. But I wanted to see her so much.

Before I could open the door she ran behind me and pushed it back into place and just held on to me for a few seconds before I just pushed her away really angrily.

"So don't look at me…don't…don't face me…close your eyes…just…just let me talk to you…let me explain…"

I turned around and found myself in between her and the door in what felt like the most awkward and uncomfortable position I had ever been in since ever I could remember. And while she talked and tried to explain and tried to apologize I found myself in such pain that I could just not listen. I could not hear a word she was saying because everything she said was completely irrelevant. She had cheated and she had broken all that felt safe. She was so close to me that I could hardly breathe, yet she felt so far away…she didn't feel like my Naomi anymore. She was someone completely different.

So I pushed her away once again.

"Let me go…"

"I can't…I can't let you go Emsy…I love you…"

"No…stop…you don't love me…you don't even love yourself…"

I walked right behind her and started to just step around her trying to find a way out of there. I felt completely suffocated and completely drowned out by the pain that kept on draining from my inside.

"You're right…I don't…I don't love myself…but I do love you…I don't wanna lose you Emily…please…tell me what to do. I'll do anything, Em…"

She ran toward me before I could open the kitchen door and walk out the back way. She clearly didn't want me to leave and she didn't know what to do. So she did the only thing she could do. She took off my sweater.

"Stop…" I yelled as I smacked her with both my hands and chased her to give it back to me. But she did not stop; instead she went for my top and then my undershirt and then my pants. And suddenly she had me half-stark and she was kissing me up against the wall and I just…I wanted to stop her but I couldn't.

"I fucking hate you…"

"I know…I hate me too…" She said to me as I violently started to take off her clothes and walk her over to the sofa where I started to kiss her so passionately that she could hardly breathe.

She could hardly breathe and I could hardly breathe and we were suddenly there…what once had been making love was now no more than just a plot to get back at her. I hated her and I loved her so much at the same time and all I wanted was to get her back once again. Through my head all I could think of was the moments that we had shared and the innocence of that first time and how horrible this all felt. How good and how horrible it felt to have her there with me and feel that she was no longer mine. Because she had always been mine. Even if she had fucked boys before, even if she had even once almost done it with our friend Cook, she had always been mine from the beginning. And now she just wasn't. She had allowed someone else to break that unbreakable bond that we had shared ever since I had kissed her for the first time so many years early. She had betrayed all that was beautiful, wonderful, and innocent. All that was us.

And as we both lay in bed not able to look at one another it all felt so strange and so convoluted and so…so wrong. It was like everything had suddenly come crashing down and no matter how much we tried to rebuild it. There was no way of ever going back to the way things were. Nothing felt the same ever again.

* * *

The next day I woke up to the sound of her in the kitchen cooking breakfast. She wasn't much of a morning person so it felt almost strange to see how much energy she had so early in the morning. I, on the other hand, didn't even feel like moving out of bed. But I had no choice. We had to live our lives.

"How do you want your eggs, babe?"

I looked at her with puzzled look as I tried to figure out whether her happy-peppy attitude was real or just another damn sham.

"I am not very hungry…I am going to get dressed…I am late for college."

"We've got maths together today…right? I'll see you in maths…"

I didn't even let her finish the sentence before I walked into the bathroom and started to bathe and get out of there.

I didn't want to hear her voice. I didn't want to see her face. I wanted her to stop acting as if nothing had happened. I wanted her to face up to things. But she was in denial, as per usual…

"I made you that that turkey sandwich with the pear/pecan glaze…it was really easy to make…mum left the recipe…but it's my version…I think you're gonna love it even more."

She handed me the small bag which I took a look at and handed back to her.

"I am actually going to pass by my parent's house and pick up some things…so I probably won't get to eat this. You eat it."

She could only look down and then look at me but I did not allow her to look to long because I felt like crying so much but I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me broken. She didn't deserve a single tear.

"See ya" I said taking my purse and keys and walking right out the back door and starting my Vespa so quickly that I didn't even have time to put my helmet or goggles on.

"Babe, you left your…helmet…"

I heard her from behind me but I pretended I hadn't and just took off into the street without looking back. All I could feel was the cold air hitting my face and that was the only thing that prevented me from screaming in pain. It was the only thing that prevented me from breaking down there in the middle of traffic in that cool Bristol morning. It was the most horrible morning of my life.

* * *

I spent the entire morning looking around for her but I could not find her anywhere. She had said before she left home that she'd be heading to college but apparently she wasn't and she had me very worried.

I counted the hours, the minutes…even the seconds until maths class so that I could see her, even from afar. I saved her a seat in hopes that she'd sit next to me but by the time class started I had given up to Thomas who had arrived late that morning to class and had asked me to let him sit.

I spent the entire class waiting for her to show up, but she didn't. I imagined where she could've gone and I hoped that she was alright. I had her helmet in the space under my seat and he goggles in my purse and I wanted her to be safe. I didn't want anything to happen. I just wanted her back home where she belonged.

She did not get home until late that night as I sat in the sofa where we had made love the night before and waited impatiently until she arrived. She opened the door and then slammed it shut and did not even notice it was me laying there on the couch under all those blankets. She walked into the kitchen, she rumbled around looking for what I could only imagine was something to drink and then she walked upstairs and opened the bedroom door. Then I heard it shut and I imagined she did not want me to sleep next to her. So I didn't.

I stayed in the sofa because I knew she mostly likely did not want to be near me. I was in denial but I wasn't stupid. I knew she hated me just as much as I hated myself right now. If I could've slept away from myself I would've. I despised myself and I despised all I had done. And after a few minutes of lying there alone in the sofa I looked around for some more of the tequila we had bought for that Mexican dinner we had just a few days prior. I took one of the pills Effy had left on the table a couple of days before followed by some tequila and then suddenly everything seemed to be going away pretty quickly. Suddenly I started feeling a warmth and that kind of safety that I only felt when I was sleeping right near my Emsy.

"I miss you so much" was the last thing I said before my eyes closed and then opened again for what seemed to have been only seconds.

Suddenly, I felt a deep sigh and a bit of a cool breeze as she pulled the blankets off of me and pulled in on top of me and just fell into place. There she was, lying on top of me hugging me and warming me up like she had done so many times before and I felt like I wanted to cry. But I did not say anything. I didn't even make a move except to pull her into me even more as I heard her sniffle and then sigh once more and then I was gone.

And I hated myself for having taken that stupid pill and mixed it with that damn tequila that did not allow me to feel my Emsy's warm body wrapped up in mine. And by the time I woke up the next morning she was gone. I woke up missing her even more than I had ever missed her before and feeling extremely cold and afraid that her being there had only been part of a dream, or a side effect of the drug. And I took all that I saw when I woke up as evidence that her sleeping in the sofa with me was real. A bottle of Vodka I'd left upstairs, a small stripped sock, her smell all over me. I wanted it to be true so I used it all to paint a picture of something that may or may not have happened…thought I wanted it so much. But the next morning, it didn't matter what had or had not happened because we were back to not speaking to each other…we were back to building a wall and Emsy, for the second time, did not eat breakfast or lunch nor dinner at the house. I ate alone. I waited alone. I did laundry and cleaned the house alone. And I wondered where she was the entire time but she did not tell me. I wanted her to at least tell me she was okay. Thought I knew she wasn't. She couldn't have been because even I wasn't okay.

When I laid down on the sofa that next night I decided I wouldn't drink or take drugs or do anything that would stop me from feeling Emsy near me…if she even came. But she didn't. She locked herself in my room once more and I spent the entire night waiting for her. Hoping she'd miss me just enough to come back and let me warm her up just a little. But she never came back. That's when I realized I was losing her little by little as more time passed by. It was the worse night of many nights to come. My nightmare was just about to start.

* * *

I met her when I was parking my Vespa nearby the same café where I had been eating lunch after my classes. It had been a couple of weeks since I had been eating there and I had never seen her but then one day before walking into the café I saw her smiling at me and I smiled back. I hadn't smiled in what seemed like forever.

"Hi" she said as she approached me wearing the hottest pair of jeans I had seen on a girl since…well…since Naomi.

"I used to have one of those but my dad made me sell it after I fell and broke my hand and I had to have wrist surgery." She moved her arm toward me and showed me a tattoo she had on her wrist and then grabbed my hand and moved my two fingers around what felt like a huge scar. It was the oddest thing I had even done with a girl.

"It feels weird…" I said touching it once again and then looking at her straight in the eyes as I saw her smile.

"I know…that's what everyone tells me. It was a hideous scar and now you can't really see it because of the tattoo but it's there…you could feel it"

"Yea…you COULD feel it" I said as I mimicked her biting her lips.

"It's not easy to hide such a big scar but the tattoo guy was so good at it…he found the perfect symbol…"

"Is it a snake?"

"Not just a snake…it's _Sheshnaga_…she's a symbol for rebirth in Hinduism…like a new beginning."

"Are you from India?"

"I am not…my parents are…I was born here…I am _Sheshnaga…_that's the name they gave me…but I go by Mandy…I feel it's more…British… What's your name?"

I did not know what to say. I stayed look at her, mesmerized by her beautiful brown eyes and still holding on and feeling the scar on her wrist as if I was being transported to somewhere that wasn't there. Like all of a sudden my life was completely different.

Mandy and I talked the entire afternoon and we had both lunch and then dinner together. There was no mention of Naomi or of anything that was happening and for the first time in a long time I actually felt at ease and even a bit happy.

It all ended, of course, once I got home and found Naomi waiting for me on the sofa once again as she had done in the past few weeks. Somehow it felt strange and somehow it felt different this time. I walked in as per usual and made myself some tea before heading to bed upstairs in her bedroom. And as per usual I found yet another bouquet of flowers, with another note telling me she was sorry and this time I didn't even bother to read it.

None of it made sense to me. Did Naomi actually think that flowers were going to erase all the pain she was making me go through? Did she think that one day I was just going to forget what she had done and just pretended nothing had gone on? Only crazy people did that. Maybe if she was dating Effy she'd get away with shit like that. But I wasn't Effy…I was Emily and I was the person that risked it all…even her family just to be with her. Flowers were for the dead and all I could feel about Naomi at the moment was complete death. I was numb. I felt nothing and everything at the same time. Maybe it was time for a rebirth.

* * *

One day after a few weeks of what had happened I was sitting in my mother's room when I heard a knock on the door and saw cook carrying who I later found was his little brother Paddy who was half asleep.

I hadn't really interacted with anyone else from the group after all that had happened with Emily because being with them made me miss her even more.

And even though she was there…living in my house and sharing a home with me she was the most far away that I had ever felt her.

And these days were even worse because she had gone from a bit of small talk in the mornings to not even talking to one another at all. We'd walk around the house like two strangers who did not know or care what the other did, though I cared very deeply.

I know she didn't appreciate all I did, and she did not care for any gesture I had for her but I did them anyway. That day before Cook had come in with his brother was busy washing all her clothes for the next day and had found a strange drawing of a cobra in one of the pockets of her pants. I later discovered that same drawing on some napkins in some of her other clothes but I did not want to know what it was all about. Or maybe I did, but I didn't want to ask. I didn't want her to think I was meddling. I just wanted her to know I loved her. I wanted her to know that I was sorry and meddling in her things wasn't exactly the right way to do it.

"What did you do with the drawings I had in my sweater pocket?"

"They are on the desk upstairs…thank goodness I found them…they would've been destroyed if I hadn't…"

She did not let me finish explaining. She walked upstairs and moved things around and then went back downstairs and took off without saying goodbye.

I sighed and then turned back around and started to walk toward the kitchen to get something to drink but did not move two steps until I felt her walk back into the house and smack the door really hard.

"I'd like you to stop spying on me…"

"I am not…I found them by mistake…I was doing your laundry and I…"

"Well then stop doing my laundry…I don't need you to do it…I'll do it myself…"

"I just wanted to help…"

"Well don't…okay? That's not of any help…just don't…don't touch my clothes and don't touch my things…okay?"

"Okay…I won't…"

"And stop it with the flowers…I don't care for flowers…I hate flowers…"

"OK, I'll stop those too…"

"Alright…"

"OK…"

"OK"

Then she walked right back out and slammed the door once again and I sighed as I heard her Vespa take off into the night. I felt so horrible, but I could not cry. I had cried too much that day. My eyes were literally dry from all the tears. I was starting to lose hope that Emsy would ever forgive me for what I had done.

"Hey" I said to Effy as I called her on the phone and asked her to stay on it with me. I needed a friend and I had no one else. Maybe Effy was mental and a basket case but she was the only one of the group that I could trust right now. She was the only friend I had.

"So I am thinking about going to see you tomorrow afternoon…Can't you get off the Freddy-train for few hours?"

"For you…of course."

"What time is the best time?

"It's better if you come by in the afternoons…the new pills keep me stunned all the way to midmorning."

"Well save some for me…lord knows I need an escape."

As I hung up with Effy I felt so alone. And I wanted to call someone. I wanted to call a friend. I wanted to call Emsy…she was always the one I called. She was the one I went to for these things. But now she was gone. She was no longer my Emsy. She was now someone who I did not even recognize.

* * *

"You sure you wanna do this, Em?"

"Yea…why not…it's gonna look cool, right?"

"Right but…it's a bit overboard don't you think?"

"Sometimes you must go overboard Mandy…sometimes you just need to do something crazy in order to feel alive…to feel sane."

"Right but this is permanent…it's huge…look at it…it's going cover all the way from here…to here…it's gonna take hours…it's gonna be painful…"

"I don't care about pain…"

Mandy took her hands off my middle section as we heard Gerald, her tattoo artist, walk in and ask us if we were ready.

"I don't know Em…are you ready?"

"I am ready…"

"Right…so why are you shaking?"

"Well…it's a tattoo…weren't you nervous when you had yours done?"

"No…I wasn't nervous…I was completely sure…"

"Well I am sure too…"

"You don't look sure…"

"Look Mandy…it's my tattoo, it's my body and if I want to tattoo a giant cobra on my side then it's my side…not yours…you won't get hurt…I'll be hurt…you'll be fine…it's my tattoo, my side, my cobra…my pain…"

For a minute we were both quiet as Gerald decided to go back out of the room and give us a minute.

"You don't prove anything by doing this to yourself Em…this isn't going to make her go away…"

"Her?"

"Naomi"

"Wait…you know about Naomi?"

"Em…we've been going together for a few weeks now…I am not stupid…didn't you think I was going to find out you live with your girlfriend and that her name is Naomi?"

"No…I didn't mean to make you feel stupid…I just….she's not my girlfriend…"

"Isn't she?"

"Well…officially she is…but we don't sleep together. We live together out of necessity but we aren't together. Things have been over between us for quite a bit. "

"So you aren't just using me to get back at her?"

"No…I wouldn't do that…"

"Right…"

"I wouldn't Mandy…let's just…let's get out of here…maybe you're right…the tattoo can wait… you wanna get a drink?"

"I do…but I thought you said you had to go home and study after this…"

"Well, I'll study tomorrow morning…I feel like going for a drink…come here…"

We walked out of the tattoo parlor and said goodbye to Gerald who wasn't too amused about losing customers and then walked into a pub nearby where out of all people I ran into no one other than my friend JJ.

"Emily"

"Jay"

As soon as I saw him I let go of Mandy's hand and awkwardly started to make small talk with him and the girl he was with. I didn't really know how to act.

Suddenly, after a few minutes of small talk I decided it was better if I went home and I broke the news to a more than disappointed Mandy who outside of the pub told me "It figures" and then walked away to the other side of the street and took a cab.

I was left there alone so I had no choice but to take my Vespa and go around in circles all night until I felt it was late enough for Naomi to have gone to bed. I didn't wanna see her that night. I didn't want her to notice the things that I had been planning or the things that I had been thinking of doing with Mandy that night.

And it was weird because as I lay in her bed that night I felt ashamed. I felt I had done something wrong when I hadn't done much at all. I didn't have to be guilty about anything I had done. Even if I had gotten that tattoo with Mandy's snake, or had ended up in bed with her….it was my life…it was my body…it was my choice. And Naomi had no say in it. Or maybe she did. Maybe she was the reason I wasn't able to go beyond anything with Mandy. Maybe I wanted her so much to just break the rules and just come find me like that night I had gone downstairs and found her and slept in her arms. Maybe I needed her to stop allowing me to push her away. I wanted so much for her to push back like she had done in the every moment that passed she seemed even more scared. And all I wanted her was to be a little braver. All I wanted her was to want me just a little more than I wanted her.

And Maybe I did need her flowers and I need her to do my laundry and I need her to care and break the rules. I needed her to be fucking brave. I needed her so much. But all I could do was cry.

* * *

I woke up to find that there had to have been at least ten people I did not know in my house that morning. It wasn't really morning, it was almost mid-afternoon but I had not noticed because I had taken some of those infamous Effy pills again.

Thankfully along with the noise I saw Emsy, Thomas and Fred pulling some things out into the backyard for what Thomas described to me as the best barbecue we was ever going to have.

I did not even have time to shower, but instead went upstairs to my room and changed into some clean clothes and freshed up a bit and then heard the door bell ring and found no one other than Katie-kins, all dress in the usual slut-outfit asking me to take her and their family into the home because they had lost it all.

I wasn't much in the mood to argue so instead of doing so I agreed and then brought her and Jenna some tea and Garibaldi and showed James the upstairs where he could change into what he called his new "number."

I then went downstairs and found a chair next to Effy and started to smoke and watch everyone get ready for the barbecue but all I could do was watch Emsy. She looked so cute in that short skirt and her stalkings and that shirt I had bought for her in the summer. Her red hair was loosely pulled up midway and she looked almost…happy as she drank and joked around with some of the people that had come over to this impromptu barbecue that I did not know about.

But her happiness did not last too long as she saw her brother dressed in a girls swimming costume walk in with a bottle of vodka in his hand… one that she took away from him and started to yell at him.

"What do you think you're doing here? And what the hell are you wearing?"

"It's my new number…Naomi told me it was okay…She said I could be part of the barbecue"

She came up to me and handed me the bottle and asked what the fuck was going on and looked at James and told him to go and then told her to follow me into the kitchen.

"Your family is going to be staying here for a few days while they settle some things with the bank…it looks like the bank repossessed your house because of some issue with your dad's gym…I don't know the details…but your mum and Katie are sleeping in the living room and Rob is out…trying to resolve some things…"

She was more furious than I had ever seen her. She didn't even let me talk. She started yelling at me so loudly that it woke both Jenna and Katie up and then it caused her to argue and yell at them ever further.

She then kissed me, something she hadn't done in such a long time and for a minute I let her but then I pushed her away because I knew she was doing it just to spite her mum.

I was all so awful and so painful that all I wanted was for it to be over. But it was far from over.

In what could've been minutes but maybe was hours Emsy and went from not talking at all to yelling at one another over nothing and over everything.

For the first time in a couple of months she did not sleep in my bed. She slept in the spare room with Katie and James. Rob and Jenna slept in my mum's room. I slept alone in my bed, which was covered with her smell all over it.

I took her pyjamas in my arms and surrounded them and slept with them really close to me and pretended it was her who was there.

It was stupid, I know. But I wanted her so much to forgive me. I wanted her so much for her to come back to me that night and sleep next to me but she never did. That was the night I convinced myself I had lost her. That was the night I thought I was never going to get her back again. I did not dare cross that line, even if I desperately wanted to.

* * *

I ran into Jay again today but instead of the pub he was at home when I went to pick up the things from Naomi's house. I had made up with my family and I thought maybe it was a good idea to go back home to them although I wasn't too sure that I wanted to do that yet.

So my mother had changed her attitude toward Naomi and it was a shame to see that because now I was the one that did not want anything to do with her. And it was ironic that now when mum was finally okay with me dating her, I no longer wanted to be with her and I was just about to leave her.

What stopped me? A conversation with JJ.

_"What's going on?"_

_"Nothing"_

_He stayed quiet, knowing that I was lying. _

_"Nothing…okay?"_

_"Are you…I…if you're cheating and…"_

_"I just…like Mandy…nothing has happened"_

_"Just…that would be bad, Ems…"_

_I laughed nervously and didn't really know what to say. _

_"You think I wanna get into ANOTHER relationship?...Relationships suck. They really fucking suck."_

_"Mine doesn't"_

_"Look at her…she's using you…"_

_"What?...how?"_

_"She's…I dunno…maybe it's the kid. Maybe she's trying to get back at someone. Otherwise why would she even…"_

_"Why would she be with a mental basket like me?"_

_"I am trying to protect you…get out before she kicks the shit out of you…because she will."_

_"Lara is not Naomi and I am not you…I have…trust. I have 75% trust. You're running on empty. It takes a mental basket to tell you that."_

He was completely right. I had lost it all. I had lost the trust in Naomi and it made me feel completely empty inside. I sat there and cried for a few minutes until I heard Naomi, Lara and JJ say their goodbyes and watched them from the bedroom window as they stepped away from the house holding hands. And for a moment I felt so envious of JJ. He had all I wanted. All I wanted was that trust. Even if it was just 75%...even if it was just 5%...I wanted that trust back and I wanted Naomi. But I did not know how to gain any of that back anymore. I didn't know where to start.

* * *

The only friends I could trust at the moment were either fleeing the law or in a mental institution. So I decided it was easier to talk to the later because the former was nowhere to be found. So I went to see Effy who welcomed me with a smile in her face and the small talk that I needed to put my pain at ease.

She also welcomed me with the usual Stonem whit and caught on to me right from the start.

_"You think you're going mad, so you came to see me so that you can see what a mad person looks like…"_

_"No…no….no…yes…"_

She kind of laughed it all off and didn't mind that I was there for comfort when she was the one that needed comforting and instead told me that I needed to imagine that the thing with Sophia never happened.

_"Am I missing something? You can't change what's already happened. I wish you could…but you just…can't."_

Effy wasn't getting it. Or maybe she did not wanna get it. She was in a safe place where she could be mad and it was okay but I wasn't. It wasn't okay for me to suddenly go mad and start to do stupid things…no matter how much I wish I could.

And I really wanted to. I wanted to go mad and even more when I arrived home to find my house once again filled with people. And to find Emily, who I thought was sure to had left me already bring home some straight girl she had met lord knows where. Maybe she was doing it to make me jealous. Maybe I was just seeing things. But I was sure starting to feel like I was going mad. I was sure starting to envy Effy and her damn drugs and her damn mental institution. I wished I was there right now. Maybe I need to go a little crazy.

* * *

I was showering after having woken up next to Mandy who was completely naked in Naomi's bed. I still did not understand completely what was going on but Naomi was weirder than usual and had completely ignored the fact that I had slept next to a completely naked random girl who she only knew by name.

According to Naomi we had all gotten wasted and nothing had happened but I wasn't too convinced. I only became convinced of it when Mandy told me nothing had happened. We were too wasted for that.

_"I didn't" I said to Mandy who argued that I wanted something to happen between us two the night before. _

_"No? Otherwise…what have we been doing? What have you been doing? She thinks I am straight!"_

Mandy was right. What was I doing?

She tried to kiss me and proposed we go to Goa together; something Naomi and I had planned for months before. But when she went to kiss I didn't want to kiss her back. I didn't want her at all. I just wanted her to leave. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. This was starting to cross the line from mental to total and complete insanity. I couldn't take it anymore.

* * *

So after all that happened and all I had seen the night before I was, in fact, going a little mental. I had seen Emily and Mandy going at it a bit in the bathroom when I went to get Pandora a drink. But I decided to ignore it like Effy had said. If I was going to be a proper basket case, like Effy, I had to pretend nothing was happening and just live life. It was the only way to live. It was the only way not to feel the pain.

_"Anyone want cocktails…ball breakers?"_

There I was with JJ, Thomas, Karen, Emsy, Mandy, Cook and that Effy-wannabe and I was getting ready to party. But no one wanted to drink. It was odd because I was sure everyone needed a drink. I sure needed a drink. Especially after what was going to happen next.

_"See…ball breakers…they are cool. If Effy is having one you could all…"_

_"What did you call her?" Cook said a bit upset. _

I didn't know how to excuse myself. My mouth was running faster than my brain at that point.

And I decided to go with it. But no one was too amused. Especially not Emsy.

_"Where is everyone going? Where has everyone gone?'_

By this point I was high and drunk enough not to care. Or maybe it was that I cared way too much.

So I asked Mandy to dance I was too drunk and maybe even too stupid not to learn to be quiet. But I was also just tired of all that was going on. And suddenly Emsy wasn't even there with me and it was just Mandy and I and all I wanted to do was just smack the shit out of her.

_"Naomi…if you don't want her…I do…"_

And I did. I smacked her as hard as I could because she deserve it. And she left quickly and I just stayed behind not sure exactly what to do. I knew I need to do something. I knew something had to be done. I just didn't know what.

* * *

Everything was more than insane and I found myself in the worse possible scenario in everything that had to do with Naomi. So I cried and I drank and I cried some more until I started to feel very little and I just threw the bottle on the floor out of anger. But before I could pick it up, I felt her hand grab the bottle out of mine and put it away.

"This is such a mess Ems…I…"

I didn't let her talk. I threw the bottle back down and took her by the hands and pushed her against the wall of her room and started to kiss her. I had wanted to do so for such a long time but I had stopped myself so many times. Now none of it mattered. I just wanted her right now.

She obviously wanted me back because she didn't even argue. She just allowed me to take her clothes off and kiss her just as violently and passionately as I had done before. It was as if was letting me punish her for what she had done with Sophia. And she was so fragile that I almost wanted to stop myself and start over again. I wanted to stop and just take a breather and then kiss her properly and make love to her properly because I loved her so much but all I felt was pain and that was all I wanted her to feel. And that was what she felt.

I knew it because she did nothing but cry as I kissed her. It was like every single kiss was another punishment because when I did kiss her all I felt was pain. It was a pain that I hadn't stopped feeling for so many months already.

And when we were doing it was the saddest I had felt in my life. After we were done we pretended to sleep for a minute but neither of us went to sleep. We just laid there until it was early morning, not even looking at one another.

The next morning I felt her next to me and I sighed at the thought that she hadn't left my side, even after all that had happened. I just wanted things to be okay again. I didn't know how to make them okay anymore. I closed my eyes for a minute and then saw her looking at me and I looked back at her and told her that loved her. But she did not believe me.

_"Don't lie"_

But I wasn't lying. I did love her. I just…I wanted it all to be okay and it wasn't. Things were only taking a turn for the worse.

_"My mum is coming back next week…maybe you should leave."_ She said to me after putting her shirt back on and heading out the bedroom door.

* * *

And I stayed there…in kind shock and awe and complete self-hatred. I hated myself for what I had just done to her. I wanted so much for it to be okay. I wanted it so much for her to come back and tell me she loved me too and that would work it out somehow. But she didn't. All I heard was loud music and noise and ruckus and I just got up and started to pick up my things. Maybe it was over. Maybe there was no turning back.

When I left her on the bed I kind of knew it was over and if Ems and I were over then nothing really mattered.

So when the police came looking for Cook at my house after Effy 2.0 gave him up I did not care. I was in complete and utter denial about what was happening all around me. I just wanted everything to end. And it felt like an ending.

Suddenly I was on the phone with mum who was calling me from the airport telling me she was just a few hours away from being home and there I was standing in the middle of a mad house, acting as if nothing had gone on and that everything was okay.

But the truth was that nothing was okay. I wanted things to be okay. I wanted to go back to that morning and tell Emsy that I loved her too and forget that all of the things with Sophia and Mandy had happened and just let it be okay. But now I was there, in my bed…stark naked…all alone and hugging the only shirt she had left behind.

She loved that shirt so much. It had a little piglet on it. It was the shirt I was wearing the first time we had made love and she had stolen it from me and would wear it to sleep, even during these months when she hated me. She never took it off.

But now she had left it. Had she left it on purpose? I wasn't sure. I really hoped she hadn't. I really wanted it to be a mistake because if she had left this shirt behind it meant that she had left me behind as well. And I didn't want her to leave me or my shirt behind. I wanted her so much and I had to stop being such a coward. I had to start to be brave.

* * *

For the first time in a while Katie had forced me to get dress and go out with her without letting me a chance to argue back.

"We are done Emily…college is about done, Freddy is gone and Cook might be going to jail anytime soon…this might be the last time we are all together."

"I just don't wanna see them…I just don't feel like…"

"You don't think you can see Naomi…you don't think you could handle seeing her once more. Well I don't give a fuck. We are going…and if you have to see her then you see her…if she's there it's because you need to see each other…end of story. Emily you love each other. Stop acting stupid about it and just make up with her already before you force me to do it for you! Now hurry up because I am almost done here."

She took me practically by the hand and in what seemed like milliseconds we were both in front of Freddy's shed making small talk with Thomas who was outside without knowing if he wanted to go in.

I wasn't sure that she was there but Katie didn't even allow me to question it. She just took me in there where Cook, Karen and JJ were talking and playing cards and having fun and all of a sudden I felt a bit more at ease. I felt that maybe I was going to be able to handle that night after all. Or maybe not.

_"Alright…truth or dare…who's gonna start…?"_

_"I will"_

I saw her walk in and she looked more angelic than I had ever seen her. I was so mad at her but at the same time I was so glad that she was there that I could've just ran to her and kissed her right then and there but at the same time I wanted to just smack her right in the face for making me suffer so much…so I did nothing…I stood there watching her talk and for the first time instead of fighting back…I decided to listen.

_"I loved you from the first time I saw you. I think I was twelve. It took me three years to pluck up the courage to speak to you. And I was so scared of the way I felt. You know…loving a girl. That I learned how to become a sarcastic bitch just to make it feel normal. I screwed guys to make it go away, but it didn't work. When we got together it scared the shit out of me because…you were the one person who could ruin my life. I pushed you away. I made you think things were your fault. But really, I was just terrified of pain. I screwed that girl Sophia to kind of spite you for having that hold on me and I am a total fucking coward because…I got these…these tickets to Goa for us three months ago…but I couldn't stand it. I didn't wanna be a slave to the way I feel about you. Can't you understand? You were trying to punish me back and it's horrible. It's so horrible because…really…I'd die for you. I love you. I love you so much and it's killing me."_

God I love her. I love her so much. How could she not see that if she just told me all this I would've done anything? How could she not see that I would've waited for her just like I waited her for her to be ready…just liked I waited for her to be sure…I'd hold her hands through a cat flap all our lives if that's what she needed. All she had to do was ask.

I couldn't stop myself from kissing her. I couldn't stop myself from letting go of all this crap that was holding us back and just forgetting about Sophia and about all that had happened. I just wanted my Naomi back and now I had her there and I wasn't going to let her go.

And that night was amazing. That night was wonderful as it was the last night we were all truly together. And all I did all night was just kiss her and hug her and made sure that she knew I wasn't going to let her go anymore.

None of us knew what was going to happen next. Nobody does. So from then on I decide that it was better to throw everything into this love I shared with my Naomi and not let her go. Because none of us are sure what is to come next. None of us are sure what life will bring. And just as we found out days later what had happened to Freddy…that could've been any of us. So I loved her. I loved her so much more than I ever thought possible and I let her love me and we just let go. From then on we allowed our love to flourish and to grow so much more. We enjoyed it. We enjoyed life and we enjoyed our love and we forgot about everything else that had happened. Just like Effy had once said to Naomi…just pretend it didn't happen. Even if it was a little mental, it actually worked.

So if I could give anyone any advice on what I lived with Naomi during those months and those years to come is that you should cherish each and every moment and forgive as much as you can. Forget all that pain that we cause each other because there is going to be pain. Love without some pain isn't really love. Because…We don't know when something will end. We must take every step and every moment and live it without regards and without regrets. Never let anything get in the way of love. Nothing is worse than losing precious time with the person you truly love. If you have someone you love, cherish every single second. Even the bad ones. Cherish and live it all, especially if when that something is true love. True love always fights until the end.

* * *

_ Skins Fire never happened. Naomily Lives forever._


End file.
